The Top Three Critters that Grossly Endanger Productivity

by Stacey Thompson

The internet has to be one of the most awesome inventions humanity has ever invented. It is on the same tier (if not higher) as the wheel, indoor plumbing, democracy, and bacon. Information has never traveled so fast, and never so much of it, as it does today. We can thank  this massive and continually expanding electronic network.

With this expansive and ever-evolving webwork of knowledge, you would think humanity would have discovered the solutions to all the problems by now, right? To put it bluntly, no. There is still a lot of hunger, poverty, ignorance (in the age of INFORMATION, so shameful!), extremism, wars, foodies, global warming, reality shows, and other problems and hindrances to human happiness, balance, and prosperity.

What is holding us back? The internet has its capacity to spread information all over the world, and it also serves a vehicle of knowledge and ideas that are not exactly beneficial for mankind. No, I’m not talking about p0rn, because p0rnography is actually good for you.

These so-called hindrances are actually biological beings, seemingly normal and innocuous when encountered in the real world, but on the internet (mostly in picture post pages and video sharing sites), they take on a sinister quality. They attack the unwitting public with their feigned innocence and saccharine appeal. Only a handful among the world’s burgeoning population of humans are immune to the mind-neutralizing powers of these deceptively harmless creatures.

The mere sight of these creatures on the screen deprives us of our intellect, our will to achieve, and most importantly, they take away our precious, irreplaceable time. These are the great three distractions, lesser (but still very distracting) beasts will be discussed in a future sequel.

Cats

www.sxc.hu

"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." - Mark Twain

Perhaps the only reason why cats didn’t evolve to be the “dominant” species in this planet is because they were certain that they would be able to enslave the ones who supposedly did (that’s us). They have been with us for over 9000 years. Don’t you even believe for a second that we took them out of the wilds and domesticated them for their practical uses; it’s quite the opposite.

These two are probably talking about their 50-million strong army of mindless human thralls.

Now that cats are online, they can extend their dominating paws further than ever. Their natural grace, agility, and felinoid beauty will seduce you into letting time and opportunities pass by. They even play the clown at times, but don’t be deceived: they are actually playing you for the fool.

So, who do you think came out looking more idiotic?

Dogs

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace." - Milan Kundera

How can man’s best friend also lead to his downfall? To be fair, unlike the cats, they don’t mean to bring you down. It’s just that they are so pure-hearted and loyal that they wouldn’t want you to suffer, or lift a finger to do anything. If dogs who loved their owners grew thumbs and bigger brains right at this moment, they would start doing their work/homework for them.

Online, their love and desire to keep their owners happy and entertained is further magnified. Too much of a good thing is bad, and this is a textbook example of that adage.

I watched this thrice, and definitely not for the bikinis.

Birds (of many feathers)

"The very idea of a bird is a symbol and a suggestion to the poet. A bird seems to be at the top of the scale, so vehement and intense his life. . . . The beautiful vagabonds, endowed with every grace, masters of all climes, and knowing no bounds -- how many human aspirations are realized in their free, holiday-lives -- and how many suggestions to the poet in their flight and song!" - John Burroughs

We have always looked up at birds, both literally and figuratively. Avians in flight inspired in us the desire to explore more of the world, to go beyond the horizons and the treetops to discover things new and wonderful. Everyone longs to be “free as a bird,” (not to be confused with “freebirding,” though it’s sort of forgivable for ESLers to get these two mixed up) after all.

Even their flightless brethren are inspiring in their own right. They also happen to be one of the tastiest things on this good Earth, if properly seasoned, breaded and deep-fried.

 Dancing its way into my belly.

Aside from “the big three,” what other furries/scalies/crawlies/etc. have eroded away at your oh-so-very-limited time on this planet?

About Le Author

Stacey Thompson is a professional writer, marketer, entrepreneur, and a lover of very distracting animals. Looking at their pictures and watching their videos takes up two-thirds of her day. She is based in San Diego, California, and works with companies like Rock & Dirt and NextTruck.